Yes, yes, I know - what sort of blog is this that only gets updated every four months? Well, what you have got to realise is that growing a World Champion beard is not the pursuit of a part-time hobbyist. A barbathlete (from 'barba', the Latin for 'beard', and 'athlete', the English for 'someone who takes stuff too seriously') needs to follow a rigorous training program involving control of diet and sexual frustration. Given that the diet must be high protein (a heady mix of meat and lentils and fartiferous beans) and that, by definition, a barbathlete must have facial hair, you would have thought that sexual frustration was guaranteed. The key though is the control
of sexual frustration - the barbathlete must have the continual belief that he is going to have sex in the very near future (thus stimulating the production of testosterone and hence beard growth) but never to have that belief fulfilled (once satisfied, testosterone production tails off). As luck would have it I exhibit the perfect combination of self-delusion and painful shyness to ensure optimum testosterone production. How fantastic is that?
Unfortunately, as with any thoroughbred, I have a sensitive constitution - a recent sighting of a razor led to my immune system being compromised. The consequent pneumonia and tonsillitis meant a spell in hospital, but every cloud has a silver lining - what could be better for my beard growth than to be surrounded by nurses whilst being a drooling spitting mess? I thank God every day.
(For further details of the science behind this post, please have a look at a Time Magazine article about sex and beard growth
Labels: beard, growth, hair, history